No more “shoulding”

It is time to stop “shoulding’ ourselves and others

 Observation without evaluating

Last week’s blog moved us into action after acknowledging the thoughts we have that do not lead us to desirable behaviors (Check out the last week’s blog for more information)

For many of us it was a different way of viewing ourselves and our experiences, so this week we are leaning deeper into one of our 4 core fundamental needs of ATTENTION by observing

Observing our thoughts

Observing our behaviors

Observing our patterns

Observing our habits

Observing our thoughts around our habits, patterns & behaviors

Observing our thoughts around other people’s habits, patterns and behaviors

 The learning opportunity here is to observe without evaluating

 Observe without evaluating

 This means we stay neutral, curious and observant and we DO NOT;

• Judge anything or anyone as good/bad/right/wrong
• Criticize
• Express our opinions
• Correct
• Diagnosis or try to fix
• Assume
• Analyze
• Evaluate

Evaluating is second nature for us

Evaluating will sneak up on most of us because for many human beings, we were taught at a young age to evaluate. We learned early on that if we wanted praise instead of punishment that we better act a certain way. This created our own coping mechanism to create that praise and avoid the punishment. We learned to evaluate the situation and if we could – we chose a behavior that earned us praise. If you grew up being a rebel, then you may have chosen a different action, and if your childhood was a traumatic experience, you likely did not have many choices. Whatever your experience was we all at one point have felt the ramifications of being evaluated as good/bad/right or wrong and these judgements were then stored in our subconscious memory bank where we learned to be up in our head judging ourselves and wondering what the world around us thinks is right for us to say or do.

Maybe you learned at some point in your life to love yourself enough to no longer concern yourself with what other people thought of you or what they thought you should do

OR

Maybe you have spent a lifetime judging yourself far worse than others can even evaluate you.

 We all come by this honestly and so it is time now to begin to get to the bottom of these subconscious memories, thoughts and belief and this week’s attention to observing without evaluating is a great way to do that.

 It is also the doorway that can lead us to deep healing through compassion, forgiveness, gratitude, self-love and unconditional love 

 How do we stop evaluating if it is ingrained into our consciousness?

 Practice awareness

Awareness to your thoughts and words

Awareness to your thoughts and words about yourself and others

The most detrimental word in the English language is “should”

We need to stop “shoulding”

We need to stop using the work should

Should = Evaluating

 We know we are evaluating, when we hear ourselves thinking or saying;

• “I should/shouldn’t do this”
• “I should/shouldn’t do that”
• “She/he/they should/shouldn’t do this”
• “She/he/they should/shouldn’t do that”

 Should can be disguised as “must do” or “have to”

•  “I must/have-to do this”
• “I must/have-to do that”
• “She/he/they must/has-to do this”
• “She/he/they must/has-to do that”

 It is important to note that evaluating and judging has its place and there are many times we need to discern our next step by evaluating ourselves, others and the situation. However, without our attention on this practice of awareness to our thoughts, we too easily go straight to evaluating and get caught up in our heads of judgement. When that is our go-to coping mechanism we are missing a huge component of discerning. We are bypassing our own feelings and needs and going right to the head of judgements, criticisms and evaluating. This leads to shame and often depression which is not the right head space to make any decisions about anything or anyone. When we start observing our thoughts without evaluating them, we no longer bypass our own feelings and needs. This gives us the ability to feel deeper emotions that can facilitate change within each and every one of us. This is the change that can clear the head space so that we are in alignment with our ability recognize our needs and discern our next best step.  

 When we observe and stop “shoulding” ourselves we put ourselves in a powerful position to learn from our true feelings. Feeling of sadness, joy, disappointment, inspiration, gratitude and fear have so much more to teach us than shame and depression do.

 But that is for next week’s blog 

This week let us just discover the messages our bodies have for us by taking this next step to observe without evaluating.

There is a quote by Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti…“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence”

Let us all reach for this highest form of human intelligence by releasing our judgements and simply observing more.

 Let’s begin this today

 The organizing power behind setting an intention of observing without evaluating will drive us closer to freedom of our thoughts and give us the freedom to feel.

 Let’s have fun with this practice, because I am going to tell you right now – it will not be easy and if you tend to be a perfectionist, you will struggle with this – why? Because perfectionist won’t risk “failing” so instead they will talk themselves out of even attempting it.

 It is important to note that we are not attempting to stop all our “shoulding” at this moment (because that would be next to impossible) we are attempting to progressively become less judgement of ourselves, others and situations.

 Let’s do this

Let’s become more intelligent by getting out of our heads and into our hearts

 This Week’s Intention Setting

When we observe without evaluating we think less. That is the goal this week. It is time to get out of our heads.

Listen, watch and observe our thoughts

1. “Today. I am curious, how often do I use the word “should” towards myself or others?
2. “Today, I choose to observe without evaluating”
3. “Today, I will observe people’s behavior without having an opinion about what I am witnessing”
4. “Today I observe my mind and my thoughts – I do not evaluate what I am witnessing”
5. “Today, I do my best to stop “shoulding” on myself and others”
6. “Today, I observe”

 As always this is not an easy process so be gentle and compassionate with yourself.

If you are interested in any private coaching sessions; Contact Leslie at 780 722-3442 or email at leslie@wellnessdefined.ca

Private Ayurveda sessions also available.

Acknowledgements; Observing without evaluating came form Marshall Rosenberg’s “Non-violent communication” book 

Let’s tap this in…