Relationships can improve with Mindful Awareness

February is Heart month

Taking care of our physical heart is important for our quality of life.  A healthy heart keeps our energy levels up and our body thriving.

The Heart in its energetic sense is also important for our quality of life. A healthy energetic heart keeps our relationships strong and our sense of self in alignment with love.

Studies have proven that intense emotions like anger and grief are damaging to the heart. Statistically, our chances of having a heart attack increase by 20% after the death of a loved one.

Being able to understand, feel and effectively express our emotions and needs is crucial for the health of our heart physically, emotionally and energetically.

Valentine’s Day is all about love and relationships. Love is good for the heart. Hugging is good for the heart. Hugging and other forms of affection release a “love hormone” called oxytocin that helps protect our heart. Research has shown that oxytocin reduces the body’s inflammatory response and improves our cardiovascular function.

Sounds like a win-win!

Except…

Relationships can be tricky

Communication is the key to any successful relationship. Relationships show up in our life in many different forms, not just in the form of our partner or love interest.

Relationships involve the emotional exchange we have with our;

1. Partners (current and ex’s)
2. Children
3. Parents
4. All family members
5. Friends and acquaintances (current and ex’s)
6. Boss, employers, co-workers, employee’s (current and ex’s)
7. Clients (current and ex’s)
8. Strangers
9. Ourselves (our own thoughts and emotions)

When we have effective communication with the people in our life (particularly those who challenge us) then we have a much better chance of experiencing happiness in our life too.

Happiness is also good for the heart!

This week we are bringing mindful awareness to HOW we communicate!

We cannot change what we do not acknowledge – so this week we are shining some light on some common tendencies each and every one of us has that hinders even our best efforts to communicate effectively.

First we need to be willing to look at ourselves honestly. Not to judge how we currently communicate but to simply bring awareness to how we may be sabotaging our relationships – so that we can stop and make better choices.

It is time to take responsibility for and express what we are feeling and needing.

Scary concept?

Tried that before?

Never again?

Didn’t go the way we expected or wanted?

Easier to just demand it or better yet just keep it to ourselves?

Many people look outward to blame others for what isn’t working in their relationships. In blaming others we are missing the greatest opportunity to learn about ourselves and improve all our relationships.

This isn’t about turning a blind eye to someone’s “bad” behavior but in putting all the blame on someone else we keep ourselves stuck in the problem and under the control of their behavior. There is never a solution when we are the victim of someone else’s wrong doings. As we are the only ones who can get us out of the victim role, it is important that we go inward and learn how we can take our power back by taking responsibility for our feelings and needs so we can communicate them effectively and make better choices for ourselves.

Understanding and taking responsibility for what we are feeling and needing is the first step to taking our power back. Anyone can trigger turbulent emotions in us but ultimately no one can make us continue to feel them. Only we can do that. If we blame someone for what we are feeling then we hand over that responsibility and essentially our power to them. From this victim perspective we will not be able to effectively communicate a solution. There is just too much blame, shame, fear, powerlessness and judgement.

All emotions are derived from need. If an emotion has been triggered within us, it is because a need of ours is not being met, therefore understanding our needs is equally important. Ultimately being able to express what we are feeling because a need of ours is not being met will help us to ask for what it is we are wanting.

Here are 4 fundamental needs each human being in some form or another desires…

The 4 A’s;

1. Attention
2. Affection
3. Appreciation
4. Acceptance

When we understand that these needs are fundamentally what we all desire then we can learn to communicate them to others in our life.

In order to understand how we can effectively communicate with others we need to understand what non effective communication is.

Non effective communication is detrimental to all relationships, it involves;

• Blaming
• Demanding
• Assuming
• Accusing
• Shutting down
• Judging others or ourselves (expressing right/wrong/good/bad of the other person. Acting/feeling superior or inferior to others)
• Holding back any of the 4 A’s attention, affection, appreciation and/or acceptance

Unfortunately, many of us have learned to communicate, keep the peace and/or get our way by doing many of the above listed points. Communicating in these ways though leads to resentments and communication breakdowns that increase over-time and wreaks havoc on the love, trust and connection in any relationship.

Mindful awareness of how we communicate is simply allowing ourselves to observe if we have a tendency to resort to these behaviors. If we notice we do, we now have the ability to shine a light on these behaviors and change them.

Let’s explore effective ways now to communicate that will improve our relationships;

• Do not assume that you know how they are feeling or that they should know how you are feeling. Until both parties can express how they are feeling and needing from a place of taking responsibility for themselves (love) and not from the fearful place of blame, judgement, accusations or shutting down – there is no solid ground for an effective conversation or solution.
• Express what you are feeling and what needs of yours are not being met – communicate this from a place of love and not from a place of blaming or shaming them.
• Ask for what it is you want and ask if they are willing to do it or find a solution with you. Do not demand. Be willing to compromise and make sure to detach from any particular outcome. Not everyone is willing to compromise or give us what we are needing.
• Don’t take it personally if they say no or blame or accuse you of anything you know you haven’t done – their judgements, opinions and perceptions have everything to do with the fear that is going on inside of them and has NOTHING to do with you.
• Be curious. Ask them what they are feeling and what needs of theirs is not being met. Then listen with an open mind, an open heart and the same curiosity.
• Listen even more! Give our full attention to the other person while they speak. Let them be heard without needing to correct, fix, defend or change them or their opinion. Listen to understand.
• Appreciate that they are willing to be vulnerable with you and be willing to be vulnerable back. Appreciate any lessons you have learned throughout the process of this new way of communicating.
• Accept that we all have different opinions & beliefs and agreeing to disagree is a compromise and maybe even a solution. Accept others as they are with their opinions and expect nothing less than to be accepted for yours.
• Show affection Even if there is not yet a solution, an understanding or a compromise. If the communication needs further discussion at a later time, part with some form of affection. Hug if appropriate, handshake etc.
• Do your best. As long as we come to the conversation with an open heart, a willingness to listen, express, and understand each others feelings & needs, and are willingness to create a solution, we have done our best. We cannot control how other people behave or react.
• Detach from the outcome and open to other possibilities. Bring our best self and let go of how we think everything should unfold. Acceptance is required if things did not go the way we had hoped. Open to the possibility that something better will now unfold.

These are not easy steps to take especially if our tendency is to shut down when it comes time to express our feeling or needs or if we have grown up learning to yell, judge and/or blame others to get our point across and our needs met.

This is a process though and practice and patience will lead us to more effective communication and clarity within all our relationships. When we practice these fundamental communication points and are willing to “fail” at them (and let others fail too) yet continue to try again, over time trust develops in the relationship and bonds of deep connection develop.

This week set an intention to shine a light on the shadows within. Our shadows are the ways we currently communicate that create distress or disconnection in our relationships.

Be gentle my friends. It starts with us. This inner dialogue begins right in the heart. Understanding how we feel and what we need is one of the first steps to practicing self-love. When we practice self-love – asking instead of demanding, assuming or blaming becomes second nature and all relationships get the love and respect they deserve.

When we are willing to make these changes within ourselves first we reap the benefits of a happier, more peaceful life, we benefit from better relationships and we benefit from a healthier heart physically and mentally.

One of the best books on communication I have read is “Non-violent Communication” by Marshall B Rosenberg

If you want to seriously improve your communications with everyone in your life – read this book or…

If you are interested in private coaching sessions to improve your skills in communication contact Leslie at leslie@wellnessdefined.ca

Call or text at 780 722-3442