Defend!

When We Feel the Need to Defend: A Pathway to Healing

Have you ever felt the need to defend yourself? To correct someone’s assumptions about you?
To set the record straight, especially when someone sees you in a way that feels totally false or unfair?

Of course you have. We all have.

Explaining vs Defending

Defending feels different than wanting to explain yourself. Explaining yourself comes from clarity and confidence. Explaining is offering understanding verses needing validation. It’s about sharing perspectives verses convincing. Explaining is grounded in “Here’s where I’m coming from” and is a calm and open-hearted conversation – as in “Let me help you understand my perspective and I’m interested in understanding yours”

Defending yourself comes from fear and resistance. Defending is reactive, tense and often ego-driven with the intention to protect or prove something. Defending is about controlling how you’re seen with an “They’ve misunderstood me and I need to fix this” attitude and is usually accompanied with a strong desire to change how others think about you. This urge to defend get’s even stronger when someone has touched close to a truth within you. A truth that you are unable to accept or face.

You can feel this defense it in your body – tight chest, clenched jaw, fire in the belly. That primal surge of “This isn’t true!” rises up quickly. You want to explain, justify, fix, or make them see the truth about who you are.

But what if I told you that the very need to defend is pointing you toward a deeper healing? A Spiritual healing. A transformational healing.

Because here’s the truth:

Defense masks what we are not yet ready to face within ourselves.

Let that sink in.

Defense Isn’t About Them – It’s About Us

The people who trigger our defenses – who judge, accuse, misunderstand or misrepresent us – are often mirrors. They reflect parts of us we’ve buried, rejected or are still unsure of. And whether their words are completely off-base or partly true isn’t even the point.

The point is:
Why does it bother us so deeply?
What are we trying to protect?

So often, the instinct to defend isn’t about the other person and what they have said or done. It’s about our own discomfort in facing something we aren’t yet willing to acknowledge within ourselves.

We say “That’s not who I am!” But… do we truly know who we are?

What the Ego Doesn’t Want Us to See

The ego’s job is to protect our identity – even if that identity is built around outdated stories, wounds or survival strategies. So, when someone says something that hits a nerve, the ego gets loud.

It says, “Defend yourself! Prove them wrong!”

But what if, instead of defending, we paused and asked:

• What am I really defending against?
• Is there something deeper here, I haven’t been willing to face or accept?
• Am I hiding behind my defense to avoid discomfort, shame or a truth I’m not willing to face?

If we are brave enough to sit with those questions, that’s where the healing begins.

Projections, Perceptions and the Pain of Being Misunderstood

People see us through the lens of their own wounds, fears and life experiences. Their judgments aren’t necessarily about you – they’re about them. And we suffer if we assume that we can change the way they see us or that they should “know us better” because it is rarely even about us.

But here is where discernment is key.

It’s easy to dismiss everything they say as “their stuff.”
It’s harder – but more healing – to ask:
Are there some truth here – that I’ve been avoiding?

The golden nuggets are always in the trigger. And if you are brave enough to go towards what’s been triggered within – you will discover something…the words that hit us the hardest often reveal the very things we need to face within.

Breaking the Loop

I used to live in a loop of defending myself. Years of being misunderstood, blamed and accused left me exhausted. No matter how much I explained, corrected, defended or yelled – it didn’t change their perception.

And then I realized: I was spending all my energy trying to prove who I wasn’t…
Because deep down, at least at that time in my life – I didn’t even know who I was.

When we find ourselves in this loop, we realize this truth… we can’t change someone else’s perception of us – and if we try to, we stay stuck in the exhausting loop.

But when we stop defending and start reflecting, that’s when thing begin to shift.

From Defense to Discernment

Healing happens when we choose to:

• Be curious about what’s being triggered.
• Be honest about what’s coming up within us.
• Be willing to sit with what’s hard to feel and look at.

Sometimes the words that wound us hold a hidden truth – a truth about who we used to be. This could be a part of us we’re hiding or in the midst of healing. That doesn’t make the other person “right.” It just means there’s something inside us worth exploring.

Defense is resistance.
And the best thing about resistance is…it will always point us toward what’s ready to change.

Choosing Peace Over Proving

You don’t need to prove who you are.
You just need to know who you are.

And when you know – you know. There is no need to defend yourself…because you know!

And that knowing comes when you’re willing to sit with some hard truths, drop the defense and do the inner work.

This Week’s Reflection

The next time someone says something that stings and you feel the urge to jump to defend;

1. Pause & breathe deeply.
2. This is a golden opportunity to face a deep truth that is ready to come to the surface – ask yourself

• • Why do I feel such a need to defend myself?
  • What truth here – am I resisting?
  • Am I willing to sit with it – even if it’s uncomfortable?

This is the first step towards, finding your truth and your freedom.

You are not who they say you are.
You are who you’re brave enough to become.

And it all begins when you stop defending and start listening inward. True healing began when you stop needing others to validate you have changed. You no longer try to control their perception and instead focused on:

• • Making changes aligned with who you want to be.
  • Acknowledging your truth

This Week’s Takeaway

• The need to defend is often a signal: there’s something within you – that you are resisting.
• When you can sit with the hard truths and accept what needs to change within you – you begin to reclaim your power.
• Difficult relationships can become your “greatest teachers”.

And one of the most important things to do my friends is to just simply do your best. Perfectionism is so over-rated and healing happens when you are patient with yourself and show up in this world with good intentions – whether others see it or not.

Leslie 💙🙏