Are you afraid of the dark?

I was. For many, many years I lived in fear of so many things. I have come to realize through my commitment to my own Spiritual growth over the years that all along what I was really afraid of was my own self – my own shadow. Literally and figuratively.

 Our “shadow self” or living in our own personal darkness is basically being afraid of or trying to hide all the parts of ourselves that we deem as unacceptable.

 It is time we accept these darker parts of ourselves and find freedom within

 In this fear of my own darkness, I lost sight of who I was and what it was that I wanted.

 In this fear of my own darkness, I lost sight of all the lesson I came here in this lifetime to learn.  

 I lost sight of myself because I was so ashamed of the anger and rage I felt.

 I have felt unworthy most of my life – mostly because of this rage within me.

I believed growing up that who I was… was wrong. That something was wrong inside of me. I lived in shame of the rage and did everything I could to hide it, deny it, stuff it and ignore it.

 I don’t know where this rage came from. My parents were not abusive and they were wonderful parents. And I was a good kid too. I was shy and quiet. I behaved well and was for the most part a really “good girl”.

 As long as I am a good girl, I would say to myself, then this anger will stay hidden.

 Of course it would rear its ugly head – mostly triggered by one of my older sisters Patti. Patti knew how to push my buttons and she often got quite a kick out of doing so. Branding me “the incredible hulk” when I finally lost it on her.

 The rage I felt inside me was so intense sometimes – I feared one day I might actually kill her.

 I had to contain this rage. I had to hide it. And so I did my best to do just that.  

Yes, it crept into my relationships. It showed up in my marriage and it began to intensify again when I became a new Mom to twin baby girls and again 4+ yeas later when my youngest daughter was born. So overwhelmed and scared I was at times that it lessened my defenses to hide my anger. But then I would get control of myself again, push the anger back down, and tell myself – If I could just prove I was a good wife and mother – then the rage could stay hidden.

Looking back though, becoming a master of hiding it – develop into so many feelings and acts of unworthiness and low self-esteem. (Which is not lost on me that I handed the same feelings down to my girls)

 I had learned well to contain the anger and unworthiness behind closed doors, but those closest to me (my daughters) were unfortunately the ones who got to witness and experience it the most.

 What if people found out who I really was?

 I must hide it

I mistakenly thought, as many of us do, that the anger and rage was who I was! This was a lesson I needed to learn. I was NOT my anger. I experienced anger but it wasn’t who I was. 

This fear of being exposed and the unworthiness I was experiencing, of course manifested into an emotionally abusive marriage – where I felt and believed I deserved all the terrible things that were said to me. It was very easy to believe this stuff about myself and so I stayed in a marriage I should have left far too long. This resulted in a “need to please” tendency, it resulted in wanting desperately to be loved and accepted and it resulted in a deep desire for safety and security. More shadows to hide away. 

Fortunately, I had a loving supportive family and a couple of true authentic friendships that helped with my sanity. They were my life lines

I was also physically very healthy and this was my “saving grace”. I took care of myself physically and had found a passion in exercise and an even greater passion in teaching it. It was a great antidote to hiding the rage and boosting my low self-esteem. However, it didn’t quite keep me from believing I really wasn’t a very good person.

 To make a long story short, my passion of exercise and a healthy body led me to Yoga and Meditation and finally my journey towards a healthy mind began. My body and mind were starting to connect on a deeper level and I found the courage to leave my marriage.

This was the start to my Spiritual Journey. Through many amazing Spiritual teachers, through many years of Chakra work and since I will never stop learning, growing or be finished figuring this all out – most recently my training in Ayurveda has helped guide me to the alignment of my body, my mind and my Soul.

This continuous focus of alignment over the years has allowed me to let go of the deep rooted anger, rage and low self-esteem that I had hidden and not allowed myself to feel for most of my life.

 I was finally able to shine light on these dark aspects of myself that I spent a lifetime deeming as unacceptable. I was finally able to put words to and have a voice around them. I was finally able to FEEL them. To let them at last move through me. No more hiding. No more pretending. No more needing to please. No more fear.

I am no longer afraid anger, rage or low self-esteem will rear its ugly head and wreak havoc on my life. I have found the deep acceptance for myself and these feelings within myself.

When they show up in my life again (and they will) I will accept them, allow them and feel them again and again. Rage no longer controls my life. Anger no longer controls my life. Low self-esteem no longer controls my life. Darkness no longer controls my life.

 I love who I am.

 I love who I am becoming.

When things do not go my way, I can step back, breath and allow the lesson I am meant to learn unfold – no matter how long it takes for me to learn it.

 This requires having deep compassion and love for myself and through my daily meditation practice, I find this compassion and the love.

 Am I now immune to anger, rage, low self-esteem and any other low vibrational emotion that creeps up on me?

 Absolutely not

 I am human.

 There is no immunity to emotions when one is human

We can try though. We can try to convince ourselves that we are immune.

We can tell ourselves we are okay. We can tell ourselves we are fine.

We can hide the truth of our emotions, we can try to ignore them by numbing them. We can stuff them down and deny they are there. We can stay quiet. We can get loud. We can get angry. We can get sad. We can get depressed. We can try drinking them away, eating them away, gambling them away, working them away, shopping them away, silencing them away or any other form of addiction you choose to try to push them away – pick your vice. BUT… none of that works to drive them away. They are still there. Hiding in the darkness. Our darkness. Our shadows.

 We can shine a light on them though

Aligning our body, mind and Soul together sparks a light within each of us that will never seize to exist

When we find this inner alignment and shine a light on our darkness, we give our emotions a voice and we can then FEEL them. If we don’t shine our light on them, they can show up …

• In our fears.
• In our silent shame.
• In our doubts, worries and insecurities.
• In our judgements.
• In our addictions.
• In our moods.
• As our pain (physical & emotional)
• As exhaustion.
• In our need to be right.
• In our need to be powerful or submissive.
• In our relationships.
• In our life is so many ways, and mostly…
• AS illnesses, sicknesses and diagnosis.

When we don’t shine a light on them, put a voice to them AND allow ourselves to FEEL them then we miss all the lessons we came into this lifetime to learn.

We lose sight of who we are

We do not even understand who we truly are

When we do not know who we are, we can not quite put our finger on what it is that we truly want and in this confusion, we miss feeling joy. We miss the experience of truly feeling love and being loved. We miss feeling safe in our own body. We miss FULLY feeling accepted, appreciated, accomplished, inspired, proud or understood – we may get glimpses but then we are always striving and wanting for more. We end up missing out on authentic happiness.

We will often feel stuck

We cannot quite figure out what it is we truly want and so we chase so many things that we think will make us happy, only to set our sights on the next thing we want – never truly appreciated what we have.

 So, yes – I get stuck in the human experience very often.

 This is why this week of shining light on our darkness is so important.

 What is your darkness?

1. What bothers you the most in other people? The same darkness is within you needing to be felt.
2. What do you not want anyone to know about you? That is a darkness within you that needs to be felt.
3. What are you afraid of failing at? That is a darkness within you that needs to be felt.
4. What do you dislike the most about yourself? That is a darkness within you that needs to be felt.
5. What is something about you that you refuse to change and you think others just need to accept that? That is a darkness within you that needs to be opened up and felt.

These are just a few examples but the inquiry could go on – basically what creates havoc in your life? Emotionally, physically, mentally and in your relationships?

IMPORTANT…

Our Darkness is NOT BAD

 Our Darkness is unknown territory for many of us.

 Our Darkness is uncertainty… AND

 There is so much wisdom in uncertainty!

 Darkness will always present us with the opportunity to step into the unknown and the lessons we came here to learn

 What did you come into this lifetime to learn?

• Resilience?
• Forgiveness?
• Acceptance?
• Unconditional love?
• Strength?
• Empathy?
• Patience?
• Compassion?
• Gratitude?
• Joy?
• Freedom?

The list could go on.

 This Week’s Intention Setting

1. “Today, I compassionately shine a light on the darkest parts of myself. I give them a voice. I allow myself to feel them.”

And when you are ready to shine the light – have a trusted friend close by that you can give words to what you deem as unacceptable. When we give the darkness a voice, it loses all its power. No more hiding. Light it up, speak it and most importantly sit and FEEL it. This may result in tears, screams, shakes, terrors or many other uncomfortable sensations. Stay with it and if this scares you – find a professional therapist that can help and guide you through the process.

If you are willing to go into your darkness, you are brave and courageous and this will require awareness, willingness, attention, time, compassion, and patience.

When I find myself back in my darknesses, (as we can have numerous) my alignment with my body/mind and Soul is crucial to getting myself back on track. If I am not taking care of my physical health by eating healthy, moving my body with yoga & fitness and getting enough sleep, if I am not taking care of my mental and emotional health with my attention to my thoughts, feelings, needs and emotions and if I am not aligning my ego personality with my Soul with daily meditation, mindfulness and self-care – then there is no light to shine on the darkness or voice to minimize the shame or most importantly there is not a willingness to feel – only fear remains.

Who Am I?

Who am I today? Well, the answer to this question changes every day – but this morning I answered with “I am truth – I speak my truth”

What do I want?

What do I want? Again, the answer to this question often changes every day but this morning I answered with “I want alignment”

Do I want “normal” things too? Like a new car, a vacation to Mexico, my children & grandchild to be happy & safe, my Mom to still remember my name when she sees me, a deeper connection with my partner, a large lottery win & financial freedom?

Yes! Of course I want all of that and much more – but I’ve realized that it is ultimately how I FEEL that fills my Soul. When my Soul is filled what I want begins to unfold effortlessly. And so this morning “Finding my alignment within myself” is the pathway to what I really want TODAY.  Tomorrow it may be different.

Are you ready to shine light on your darkness, feel your emotions, learn the lessons you are meant to learn AND step into a deeper understanding of Who You Are and What You Truly Want?  

Remember… this is a journey, not a destination AND you are worth it.    

If you are interested in any private coaching or Ayurveda sessions; Contact me at 780 722-3442 or email me at leslie@wellnessdefined.ca

Namaste;

Leslie

Now…let’s tap this in…