Conscious Communication

Conscious communication results in authentic relationships.

Communicating with awareness, compassion, appreciation and clarity is what our world needs more of.

Do you know how to effectively ask for what you want or need?

No?

Read on…

Yes?

If your answers is…

“YES, I often get whatever I am asking for”

Then let’s take this a step further and ask this very important awareness question…

“Do I usually get what I am asking for because I am demanding it? Or because I am requesting it?”

Hmmmm…

 Requesting vs Demanding

Take some time to sit with that very important awareness question.

Our ego will most likely answer very quickly – no matter what the answers is.

On the other hand our ego may not even know.

Let’s lean back into the space of our heart and then ask ourselves this question again.

Some people may respond with “if I requested instead of demanded – I would feel like I am losing control of the situation and then I would most likely NOT get my needs met”

There was a time in my life when this is exactly how I would have answered this awareness question. Especially when my 3 daughters were all teenagers. To be truly honest here – this would have been my answer in reflection to every relationship that was a struggle for me or didn’t work out in my life.

I genuinely didn’t know any different. I didn’t have the tools at the time to effectively ask for what I wanted or needed. I didn’t have the tools at the time to even KNOW what I was feeling or needing. I wasn’t raised with a language that supported my ability to understand my feelings and needs or to communicate them effectively.

If you were raised with this language… I applaud whomever taught you this.

This is important stuff for us to learn

Conscious communication should be taught in school

I have personally read many spiritual books that have lead me down and towards this path of communication awareness.

Most recently during my Chopra Ayurveda Health Certification Course,

“Non-violent communication – A Language of Life” by Marshall B Rosenberg

was recommended

If this blog speaks to you and you want to learn more – get this book – it will give you the language to help you understand yourself first and can change every relationship you have.

The following are some internal reflection questions that can help us get an understanding of how healthy relationships work.

Ask yourself these questions if you are ready to get real with yourself and do what YOU can do to shift your relationships with the ones you work with, commune with and love.

Inquiry…

Look at every single relationship that you have, whether it is with family, at your workplace or with friends or even strangers. Pick one and take a real honest look. Without analyzing or judging yourself or the other person, simply ask the following questions…

• Can I calmly & effectively communicate my feelings and needs with this person?
• Do I feel heard and understood when we communicate?
• Do I feel comfortable requesting to this person how they could help me get my needs met?
• Once I request this, do I expect them do it? Or am I truly giving them a choice (and ultimately an opportunity to understand each other better?)
• If they do what I have requested – do I appreciate them for doing it? 
• If they don’t do it – am I prepared to inquire (compassionately) into why they aren’t willing to do it AND am I prepared to inquire into what THEY are feeling and needing – so we can learn to understand each other’s needs better.

Now let’s flip these inquiries and stay observant & non-judgmental…

• Can this person effectively communicate their feelings and needs to me? Or will they communicate with me, when I ask them if they can express their needs to me?
• Do I let them feel heard and understood – as opposed to defending myself or trying to fix? How do I know they have felt heard & understood?
• Does this person feel comfortable requesting to me how I can help them get their needs met? (versus demanding)
• Once they request this, do I feel comfortable having an honest conversation if I don’t or can’t fulfill their request?
• If I can do it – do I feel they appreciate me doing it? (or did they just expect it)
• If I don’t do it and I am ready to compassionately express why – are they willing to find out why I ‘m not prepared to do it by listening to what I am feeling or needing? Can we consciously communicate to understand each other’s needs better?

Receiving a “no” from the other person when requesting they do something, is not easy to navigate at first – however, it is an opportunity (a gift really) to dive deeper into this relationship.

This is the opportunity to ask THEM what they are feeling, needing and requesting from you.  This is where compassion comes in. This is where true listening comes in. This is where compromise comes in.

The reality is each and every person responds much better to a request than a demand.

People will often push back when faced with a demand but will often feel good about satisfying a request.

There are 2 responses to a demand

1. A demand many generate submission but over time the person who “gives in” will hold resentment, bitterness and anger in the relationship – leading to a difficult relationship or may result in them leaving and the relationship dissolving. (This is true whether it is a work relationship, an intimate relationship or a friend or family relationship)
2. If a demand does not generate submission – then it will generate rebellion. This can lead to anger (from both sides), continual arguments, potential violence, bitterness, neither side feeling heard or understood, stubbornness, uncooperative behavior and ultimately a unhealthy relationship.

If either of these responses sits okay with you (no matter which one it is) and your thoughts are “just as long as I get my needs met” – then there are some serious insecurity issues within that would be to your benefit to address. If happiness and having successful relationships is really something you would like – then the work is to go inward and make changes. To expect others around you to make the changes is unrealistic and will keep you involved in many unsatisfying relationships. When we make the changes within ourselves, either our relationships will evolve and grow or they will dissipate. Those that dissipate were not truly authentic relationships to begin with – however, they did serve their purpose as we were able to learn many things about ourselves in the dissolving of the relationship.  

Now this is where detachment comes in!

First of all…when we request something – anything at all – we need to detach from how we want the situation to unfold or how we want the other person to respond, react or answer.

When we delve into making positive changes within and we notice the relationships around us are not shifting, we need to detach from the relationship unfolding in any particular way. This is typically hard to do because we tend to fear unknown outcomes and often find comfort in the dysfunction of the known. Our mental health is affected when we hold on too tightly, as we loose sight of who we truly are and our relationships suffer when we try to control the outcomes based on fear. Detaching in these cases is beneficial to our health. 

Detaching is…

• Trusting in the unknown.
• Letting the doors to something larger open.
• Giving up trying to control a person, a situation or an outcome
• Giving up resistance to what is meant to be.
• Trusting the Universe
• Loving deeper

Detaching does not mean we don’t care. Detachment is a way that we can care deeply for others but not hold onto or carry their anger or negative energy that stems from their choices and behaviors. Detachment means we release the blame, negativity, or victim story and instead open our hearts fully in love, acceptance, affection and appreciation. 

Detachment is loving and accepting unconditionally

Detachment and this practice of communication requires awareness and compassion

 Of course this type of communication takes time (and patience) to develop. Both in our internal inquiry of our own feelings and needs and asking & requesting what we want. Not to mention our willingness to understand the other person’s feelings and needs, especially when that means our own needs are most likely not being met.

This requires us to step out of our heads and our ego personality and step into our hearts so we can listen to understand. 

In our willingness to practice this type of communication – our most important relationships improve and trust develops within each conversation.

Some relationships may fade away and this is also a gift as we will eventually realize that we couldn’t be honest and authentic within them anyway.  

This week’s intention;

As always, we need to word our daily intentions so that they feel right for us. Use the following examples to get you started. Go inward and see where your focus needs to be and create your individual intentions from your heart space. 

1. “Today, I am consciously aware of how I ask for what I need.”
2. “Today I ask for what I need by requesting” Using language like “Are you willing too…” or “Do you want to…”
3. “Today, I am consciously compassionate to others feelings and needs”
4. “Today, I choose to request rather than demand when asking for what I want”

If there is a definite block in your ability to communicate effectively and you are ready to go inward  to learn more about yourself and how to develop a language around your feelings and needs, contact me at leslie@wellnessdefined.ca or call or text me at 780-722-3442 to discuss some options for coaching. I would love to support you along your communication journey.

Once again…it is a common human tendency to think and believe the problem is always outside of ourselves and even with the best argument that it is “someone else’s fault” the solution will ALWAYS resides inside of US. This is empowering and means it is in our own capable hands to make the changes needed to improve our life! 

Let’s tap this in…