Freedom from our Triggers

Speaking to and about ourselves with love was the theme of last week’s blog post and not only will this daily mindful practice help create immunity to our own personal triggers, it will shine a lot of light on our beliefs systems, our unaware ego and essentially open our hearts to allow us to love others fully and authentically.

When we are consciously aware of what is triggering us, we can open the door to freedom from these triggers IF we are ready and willing to let them go.

How?

By not allowing ourselves to take anything personally

I know…easier said than done – right?

Hold on – it doesn’t have to be so hard 

Let’s break this down so that we can find some clarity and some tools to help us apply Don Miguel Ruiz’s second agreement into our lives long term.

Yes, “Don’t Take Anything Personally” is Don Miguel Ruiz’s second agreement in his book

“The Four Agreements” 

And for me, this agreement has been a game-changer and what I believe propelled me personally into some real (much needed) changes along my Spiritual pathway to inner peace.

The Break down…

• Nothing anyone does, says, feels, doesn’t do, doesn’t say or doesn’t feel has ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
• It has absolutely everything to do with the other person’s fears, insecurities, opinions, judgements and their belief system.
• If we can get some clarity around this and truly believe that it has nothing to do with us (this requires the practice of self-love) then we can walk away from the person or the “drama” without a second thought or the need to defend ourselves or our position.
• However…and this is key – if we understand this – YET still get upset, angry, sad, frustrated, hurt or attached to needing to defend ourselves by what they did or didn’t, do, say or feel then there has been a belief triggered within us. Meaning there is a belief within us that has attached itself to either a victim or martyr story (about us) in response to what they said or did to us – this is often followed by the need to defend ourselves or a deep dive into silent self-judgement & criticism or the need to gather our “army of people” with gossip and drama around the story – so we have others on our side.    
• Yet… This cycle of taking it personally will never end well, because – It is our own personal belief system that caused us to get triggered and there is a separate belief within the “other side” that caused their behavior. These are most likely two completely different beliefs as no two beliefs are the same – because our beliefs are based on our own individual experiences, our upbringing, our own individual fears, insecurities, opinions and judgements! We are dealing with different truths, different beliefs, different tendencies and different ways of reacting here. The cycle never ends because both sides believe so strongly in their truth that they will defend it to the end and will not listen to the other persons perspective or point of view. 

This is why not taking it personally is such an important agreement to commit to.

Let’s take a good look at some reactions and tendencies in certain situations;

• When you have heard a story that doesn’t seem like such a big deal to you – yet someone you know is extremely upset and triggered by it and you do not understand why…

Have you ever said or wondered…

1. “Why is she/he/them taking this so personal?
2. “Why are they so emotional? (Sad, mad, upset, frustrated…)
3. “Why can they not let this go or move on?”
4. “Why can they not stop talking about this?”
5. “What is the real problem here?”

These questions arise because something has triggered an old memory, emotion or experience within the person who is upset and they are taking it personally. You on the other hand do not have the same memory or emotion or experience so you cannot understand why this is creating so much conflict or drama. 

Or possibly you have been on the other side of this situation…

• YOU are extremely upset by what someone has said or done to you and the people in your life do not understand why you are so upset.

Have you ever said or wondered…

1. “Why can they not see how wrong this is?”
2. “Why are they not upset by this too?”
3. “How can they let this go or move on so easily?”
4. “Why will they not talk to me about this?”
5. “Am I the only one who can see how terrible this is?”

This because something has triggered an old memory, emotion or experience within YOU and you are taking it personally. The other people around you do not have the same memory or emotion or experience so they cannot understand why this is creating so much conflict or drama within you.

So much freedom comes to each one of us, when we learn to not take things personally

 How do we learn not to take things personally and find this freedom within?

Ask yourself first, if you truly want to be free of your triggers?

It is important to understand that some people do not want to be free of their triggers.

Some people feel more in control of their life and the people around them when they have a strong response to their triggers. It would often be the people in their lives that would tend to move away or move on when others have strong triggers they are not ready to let go of. (Hence… divorce, break ups, job losses, resignations, rifts between families and friends, etc.)

Some people are also not ready to be free of their triggers as they might need them to keep themselves safe  

However…if we are ready to let our triggers have less control over our life and we are ready to learn how to not take anything personally, then we have some work to do and we need to be willing to do the work.   

We have to; Do The Work

We have to; WANT to Do The Work!

First thing…

get yourself a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz

“The Four Agreements”

 If you are ready to be free of your triggers and suffering – this book will be an investment in yourself.

Next go back over the last month of blog posts I have written here on my website and re-view the Tap In videos from all of this past month of November.

1. Nov 21^st blog – self-love & self-care is crucial for inner peace and facilitating change. Speaking to ourselves and about ourselves with love is a practice we all need to cultivate to begin this process of finding freedom from our triggers.
2. Nov 14^th Shining a light on our belief systems and taking a really good look at what beliefs we want to continue to have and those beliefs we are willing and ready to let go of is a big part of facilitating inner change . The consistent awareness and curiosity of the beliefs we have (and if they are even OUR beliefs) is important in this process of finding freedom from our triggers.
3. Nov 7^th Tap In Video only (no blog this week). This week’s video is all about seeing death and the obstacles in our life as our greatest teachers. Basically if we can look at everything that happens in our life (the good and the bad) as opportunities to learn more about ourselves – then we are on a path of evolution, inner growth and inner peace.
4. Oct 31^st This blog is about bringing awareness to our “unaware ego” We all have an ego and we all need an ego – we just want an ego that is AWARE. It is when our ego is unaware that we take everything personally, we assume so many incorrect things and we say terrible things to ourselves and others. Our unaware ego, has a deep need to defend itself and in doing so judges, criticizes and blames everything & everyone. Our unaware ego doesn’t take responsibility for much of anything. Our unaware ego feels safer blaming and condemning others and ourselves and the severity of this depends on the internal mind chatter and beliefs that were instilled within our minds when we were young. So much fear, anger, sadness and resentment was created within our unaware ego. When we shine a light on this side of our ego, we have the option to shift into a conscious ego that can align with love and create inner peace and no longer take things personally .

It is time to challenge and break these beliefs that were instilled within our minds before we had a chance to discern whether we agreed with them or not – doing this work will challenge and break these beliefs. 

It is important to understand that our unaware ego believes that our weaknesses will be exposed if we stop defending ourselves and instead go inward when we are triggered. Defending ourselves and blaming others is a coping mechanism our unaware ego uses to gain a false sense of power and control. It is all based in fear and fear is the controlling emotion of the unaware ego. Fear is what leads to us taking everything personally. 

On the flip-side…when we cultivate self-love and awareness of our belief systems – when we notice we have been triggered and can instead lean back, breath deeply, go inward and learn to align our ego with our inner stable presence (our Soul) it is here that we discover our strengths. It is here where we learn NOT to take anything personally. 

How do we learn to align our personality with our Soul and not take anything personally?

Awareness is the key to our freedom

We first need to notice when we are taking something personally and if we do not feel relief after remembering that it has everything to do with the other person and nothing to do with us then we need to lean back and recognize that we are experiencing a trigger within ourselves. This still has nothing to do with the other person – this is our gateway into our inner work. This is not an awareness to be ashamed about – this is something to celebrate! With this awareness of a trigger within us we can reframe from reacting outward (blaming and defending) and we get to sit with our triggers… 

We don’t sit by the TV and numb ourselves with other people’s dramas 

We don’t sit with a bag of cookies,

We don’t sit with a a bottle of wine, 

We don’t sit with our phone connected to amazon.

We don’t seek comfort from others.

We sit.

Alone.

In silence.

In stillness.

We simply sit with our triggers, our beliefs, our thoughts, our feelings, our emotions, our fears and our tears. We sit with them until we can fully feel them and begin to understand them. This may be a little scary at first and it will definitely be uncomfortable but the only way to release the triggers is to recognize them, face them, feel them,  and work through them. It is well worth the short term discomfort, as it leads to long term relief and freedom from suffering.  

This “work” requires a daily practice of meditation

In a daily meditation practice;

• We learn to sit in stillness
• We learn to sit in silence
• We learn to observe
• We learn to observe our thoughts without judging them
• We learn to observe sensations in our body without judging them
• We learn patience
• We learn self-love, self-acceptance & self-appreciation
• We learn to shine some light on our unware ego
• We learn to shine some light on our belief systems
• We learn to align our ego with our Soul
• We learn to feel
• We learn to heal
• We learn to “sit with our triggers”
• We learn to sit with the discomfort of our emotions
• We learn to trust ourselves
• We learn to not take anything personally

When we stop taking everything personally and when we start speaking to ourselves with love, we begin to diminish the power our limiting beliefs, thoughts and fears have over us and we begin to pave the pathway to freedom.

Every day that we choose to not take anything personally, we choose love over fear. Every day that we choose love over fear, we align our ego with our Soul and we think better thoughts that create better beliefs within us. We speak to ourselves with love, we feel better about ourselves and then we choose better behaviors and take appropriate actions towards what it is that we truly want in our life.

This is Freedom

This Week’s Intention;

This week we set our intentions around noticing when we are taking anything personally.

1. Once we notice we are taking something personally – we are aware
2. Set an immediate intention to remind ourselves that it has absolutely nothing to do with us. It is the fears, insecurities & opinions of the person(s) who we are dealing with.
3. If that doesn’t create relief from the initial “sting” of taking it personally, and we are still bothered by the incident – then we are aware we are triggered – this is a big step!!!
4. Set the intention to “sit with the trigger”
5. See what arises. This takes practice, perseverance and the willingness to be uncomfortable. Overtime, this gets easier and clarity begins to set in.

If you can make a habit of doing this, your reward will be freedom from suffering and you will begin to experience immunity to other people’s ability to harm you emotionally.    

“You are never responsible for the actions of others; you are only responsible for you. When you truly understand this and refuse to take things personally, you can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

If you are interested in any private coaching;

Contact me at 780 722-3442 or email me at leslie@wellnessdefined.ca

Namaste;

Leslie