How do you Communicate?

How do you communicate when your needs are not being met and your emotions are all over the place?

When things in your life are not going the way you would like them to go or when your relationships are not where you would like them to be, do you know how to communicate your feelings and needs effectively?

Do you usually feel satisfied that you have been heard?

Do you often feel satisfied that your feelings and needs have been respected and honored?

OR

Do you often feel frustrated, anxious or even confused when you are trying to express yourself and don’t know how you really feel or how to effectively ask for what you want? Maybe you withdrawal, shut down and put up walls around you because not only do you not like confrontation but you feel that it doesn’t matter what you say or do, your needs will likely not be met.

Often when we are truly honest with ourselves we realize we do not even know what it is that we are feeling or even how to communicate what we want?

 This week we dive into awareness to how we are communicating

 How do you typically react and express yourself, when your needs are not being met?

 How do you feel or react when you know you need to have a serious conversation with someone that could make the both of you feel uncomfortable?

• Do you go in with armor and blast your needs out – not caring much about what others think or feel – just as long as you feel heard and can get some results?
• Do you feel so anxious that it is just easier to avoid the person or situation and flee the whole conversation? Then hope the anxiety will eventually subside?
• Do you withdrawal and retreat and hope the issue will either go away or just work itself out somehow?
• Do you assume others should know what you are feeling and needing (because maybe you have even told them many times already) and you feel resentful, sad or angry that they don’t or won’t acknowledge or respect your needs? Then you watch the relationship seems to drift further apart?

If you are very familiar with any of the above reactions and often express your emotions with frustration, anger or anxiety or by blaming, accusing, avoiding or shutting down – then it is time to go inward with awareness to get some assistance and clarity regarding what you are really feeling and really needing. Many people do not have the language to express effectively what they are feeling, needing or how to request what they want. Unfortunately, as a society we have been taught to judge, blame, accuse, guilt, manipulate and demand to get what we want. Judging and blaming is second nature to many of us – especially when we don’t see eye to eye with another person or neither knows how to articulate their feelings and needs. 

This is how much of society unconsciously communicates

This of course, leads to relationship issues and arguments – whether this is with your family, partner, children, friends, co-workers, customers, boss, or even strangers – neither side feels heard or understood and when that happens neither is willing to listen to the other. Eventually resentment, anger, possibly violence, anxiety, avoidance & shutting down happens and a spiral of miscommunications often follow. Nobody then gets their feelings validated or their needs met and from this place we are easily triggered – by anything and anyone. Traffic, the weather, the server at the restaurant, our family and the ones we claim to love the most – this is when we find ourselves living in constant frustration, hostility, anger or annoyance. Or we find ourselves living in a constant state of anxiety and feeling unstable and unsafe. Or we find ourselves putting up walls and withdrawing from our life, wanting to avoid the people we used to enjoy being with. Eventually if we do not deal with our emotions, feelings and needs – it becomes very painful (emotionally AND physically) and we look for ways to numb the pain. 

Unless we S.T.O.P (Stop. Take a few breaths. Observe. Proceed)

Stop and take some time to get to know ourselves

With a regular meditation practice, we can lead ourselves to a state of restful awareness and from this space we can learn a language around not only what we are feeling and needing but also HOW to communicate what we are feeling and needing.

Once we practice and become comfortable with what we are feeling and needing we begin to take an interest in what other people are feeling and needing and this is when our relationships begin to improve. First and foremost the relationship with ourself improves and then all of our other relationships begin to improve. Some relationships may change. Others may dissolve. Some will grow and flourish.  Inside of ourselves we begin to feel the confidence to express ourselves, our feelings, our needs and our requests. We are even okay when our needs do not get met – because we know this is an opportunity to understand ourselves, the situation or the other person on a deeper level. 

When we become aware of our reactions, feeling, tendencies and needs, we begin to feel a shift happen inside of us

Energy moves – emotions move

When we set daily intentions to consciously make different choices or make some changes in our behaviors we have the ability to clear old blockages and stuck energy in our body and in our mind.

Awareness and intentions allows us to consciously take responsibility for our feelings and needs without blaming other people and situations. By taking responsibility for our feelings we are informing, but not blaming the people in our life. When we take responsibility we take our power back. When we blame or shame ourselves or others we hand our power over to the other person or the situation – even and especially if we are demanding our needs be met. When we take responsibility and our power back – we discover tools to help us find clarity on what we are actually feeling, what we are really needing and how we can effectively request what it is that we want.

When we continue on this path we develop a language to help us find out what others are feeling, needing and requesting from us.

This leads to conscious communication, compassion and healthy relationships.

This week’s intention;

This week we start by setting our intention every morning to become more aware of how we are communicating. How well are we communicating in all of our relationships? How are we currently communicating our feelings and our needs? Are we demanding verses requesting our needs be met? People often push back when faced with a demand but will often feel good about satisfying a request.

Pick any one of the following intentions to start your day this week or create one that feels better in your own words…

1. “Today, I am consciously aware of how I communicate in all my relationships.”
2. “Today, I am consciously aware of what I am feeling and what I am needing”
3. “Today I am consciously aware of how I react when my needs are not getting met”
4. “Today, I am consciously aware of any patterns or behaviors that I have when my feelings are not validated or my needs are not being met”

If after you become consciously aware of your communication tendencies, reactions, feelings and needs and notice there is a definite block in your ability to communicate effectively AND you would like to learn more and dive deeper into how to develop a language around your feelings and needs, contact me at leslie@wellnessdefined.ca or call or text me at 780-722-3442 to discuss some further options for coaching or a group support to help along your communication journey.

One last note…it is a common human tendency to think and believe the problem is outside of ourselves and even with the best argument that it is “someone else’s fault” the solution ALWAYS resides inside of US.

In the most loving way that I can, I would like us all to understand that the solution is always to go inward to learn and grow instead of outward to try and change, control or manipulate others.

Namaste;

Leslie

Now let’s Tap This In…